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The Forums » The Forums » English Language » Hogocaust survival (Gary) ('Welcome to the slaughter house' pt 17)
Hogocaust survival (Gary)
smokeynova Date: Friday, 03-June-11, 21:34 | Message # 1
Burn, Baby, Burn
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Video log: 2057

FINALLY! someone answered my call. It was a man by the name of Charlie. He said that he was in a party of 3. He told me that he could give me protection and help me escape this damned facility in exchange for answers on what the hells going on. I agreed to his deal and I gave him directions to this factory, surprisingly he was actually relatively close. We arranged a time of 23:00 to meet outside the factory. I would say that I needed fresh air and would meet them near a couple of bushes on the other side of the factory fence. We would then arrange some kind of escape and we could later come back in the factory and storm the place. We will meet in 2 days and I just can't wait!

Proffesor Gary, signing out...


FLAME ON!!!
 
Halfbrick Date: Saturday, 04-June-11, 10:20 | Message # 2
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It's good, but I feel things are getting a little forced now. Suddenly, everything's happening. You might need a bit of normality to salvage it.

What up? I say "indeed" a lot.
My youtube: http://www.youtube.com/user/HalfBrickStudios2010
 
smokeynova Date: Saturday, 04-June-11, 13:19 | Message # 3
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You can't tell me to use normality. You wouldn't have try and finish a diary entry if someone was coming to kill you, yeah I'm talking about he hath no name!

FLAME ON!!!
 
Halfbrick Date: Saturday, 04-June-11, 14:08 | Message # 4
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Not that sort of normality, SMN. You need to slow down a bit, inject some tension into the story. At the very least improve the sentence structure. You've got loads of bare sentences with only the minimum amount of description. In fact, your line "he's in a party of 3. He..." - it just doesn't work. You should change it to "there are three of them, so he says. He..." It just reads better. I'm still enjoying your output but it's becoming forced, almost like you're running out of ideas. How about switching to a third-person narrative for a while?

What up? I say "indeed" a lot.
My youtube: http://www.youtube.com/user/HalfBrickStudios2010
 
smokeynova Date: Saturday, 04-June-11, 17:49 | Message # 5
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when you say

Quote
"there are three of them, so he says. He..."


its implying that he's lying (a rhyme). And Charlie isn't a character who would lie. And I go into third person when I start and end a series, So the next two parts will be.


FLAME ON!!!
 
Halfbrick Date: Sunday, 05-June-11, 20:57 | Message # 6
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Good. It'll just refresh the series, take it further up than ever before!

What up? I say "indeed" a lot.
My youtube: http://www.youtube.com/user/HalfBrickStudios2010
 
smokeynova Date: Monday, 06-June-11, 07:29 | Message # 7
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Actually, the next part is first person, then the parts after that will be third person

FLAME ON!!!
 
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